


He Doesn't Get It At All

by anthers



Category: The Middle
Genre: Donaheck, M/M, Sexl
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-02 09:33:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6561157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anthers/pseuds/anthers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The revelation that they were each other’s first kisses still sticks to Sean Donahue’s mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My Story

My story is...not that original--it’s a very classic ‘how I knew I was gay’ story. 

It was senior year, and being on the football team, it was frantic.  It’s like I’d gone through a second puberty and my hormones went raging for some of the guys on the team. Like Marcus Dawson: ginger, slightly muscular than average, blue eyes and freckled. Or Lucas Keaton:  somewhat tan, buff guy with jet black hair. But the one guy who made me swoon is literally one of my best friends: Axl Heck. Curly black hair, strong blue eyes, a body I want to cuddle up against, and an overall cute face.

Whenever Mom and Dad went out with my twin sisters I’d lock myself in my room and just...fantasize. I’d jerk off, imagine that Axl was under me: his face scrunched up as I entered him. He would fist the sheets and cry out, sometimes laugh because he’d say, “Fuck, that tickles.” Or at least I imagined him would be. The two hours of me time always ended with me hearing the car pull up and the front door slam. I’d quickly clean myself up and unlock the door, jump onto my bed with a book and study.

But it was hard keeping a secret like that--that I was gay and fantasized about my long-time best friend. Not to mention it was a very Christian neighborhood--I don’t even know how anyone would react.

So I kept that secret until college--freedom. I could do whatever I want, basically. But I still didn’t do much--if I partied, it was one every three weeks. I would study the hell out of my books. So I was at the library with this guy Walker Yu. He was in one or two of my minor subjects and pretty much a guy who liked to party. He wasn’t all too dumb--me and my stereotypes--he was actually fairly smart. He caught on pretty quick with the advanced stuff and when I quizzed him about it he got quite a score. Not to mention he was pretty cute, but not necessarily someone I liked.

When we finished, he asked if I was coming to an end of semester party the following weekend. I said, “Why not? Could be a lot of fun--might take the stress off of me for a while.”

The weekend rolled by and we went to the party. I enjoyed it. I drank somewhat good-tasting beer. Guess what happened after the party?

We--Walker and I--hooked up. We left the party at about one in the morning, heavily drunk. Thank God it was in a frat house only two or three blocks from the dorm Walker and I stayed in. We walked the way there--made the way up to my room and slumped on the bed together. About fifteen minutes passed when we started feeling each other up, giggling and bumbling like idiots because we were drunk as hell. My fingers were numb as I explored him and he explored me. We made out, tongue and all, and he started going down on me, trailing kisses from my chest to my tummy and to my crotch. He’d play with the hairs on my chest while at it and I’d rub his back endearingly. When he’d finished he turned from me and arched his back, presenting himself. I took him there and we fell asleep cuddling when we’d finished.

It was an experience I’ll never forget. The following morning, he was gone from my room. I woke up and realized that Walker had woken up and left at some point.

A week or so passed and the semester ended. I’d let my beard grow back. I was left with one more day until I come home to Orson and spend time with my family...and maybe come out.

Sadly, I just had to find out Axl was my first kiss.


	2. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming home is a sucky experience.

When I got home, I was met with enthused greetings from both of my sisters Dottie and Shelly. I bent down to welcome their hug with open arms and regurgitated “I missed you”s. I admit that despite the gesture’s lacklustre delivery, I do enjoy and appreciate the support my sisters had for me, if any. I honestly don’t think I’d survive two weeks in a house with enraged parents, without these two marshmallows.

I saw Dad look over us from about ten feet away, so I quickly broke off the embrace and asked them to take some of my bags to my room. “I’ll catch up with Dad.”

“Oh, okay!” they cried in unison, picking up two bags half their sizes and disappeared into the hallway. I chuckled to myself and picked the rest of my stuff up. I walked towards Dad, setting a backpack on the counter.

“Hey,” I managed.

He lifted a mug to his lips and drank his coffee. “Welcome home. How’s school?”

Stuffing my hands down my jacket pockets I cleared my throat and answered, “Uh, it’s fine. Great actually.”

“I see.”

Silence occupied the room after that. After a minute the air felt even more uncomfortable than before and I broke the thick muteness, “Is-is Mom around?”

“Why do you ask?” he asked back, raising an eyebrow.

“I kind of need to talk to you guys about something. I know you guys don’t like the way I’m living now, but I just want, like, ten minutes from you guys.” I quickly said.

“Unfortunately, she’s out going on errands. She’s not going to be home till tonight.”

 _Fuck. I’d wanted to bang this out quick. I guess it’ll have to do._ “Okay then. I’ll be in my room. I might meditate or something.”

His face suddenly knotted up, and I can see him trying to calm himself down. Ignoring his face, I turned and went in the direction of my room.

“Son,” he called.

 _Jesus Christ, it’s been three fucking years since he called me that._ I shook off the thought and turned, “Yeah?”

“We’re, uh, going to see Flatlands tomorrow. Do you want to come join us?”

 _Oh. This…is a first in three years._ “Uh, sure. Is Mom fine with that?”

“I’ll handle it. Go to your room,” he grumbled.

I turned, walked into my room and slammed the door behind me. _Well. At least it doesn’t seem like I’m the only one affected by Mom’s disappointment_ , I thought. I pulled my jacket off, set it on the chair, jumped onto my bed. Grabbing my phone from my pocket I checked the time— _4:48_ pm—and tossed the device into the sheets. I flipped myself over and took to the ceiling.

I sighed, "Jesus."

* * *

I woke up about three hours later from a nap that was decidedly unprecedented due to me filling myself with nostalgia and feeling even more bitter about myself. I sat up on the bed and fisted the sheets for my phone, checked the time.

I tossed the device back into the sheets and drunkenly made my way to the adjoined bathroom. I splashed water on myself a few times and dried myself up with a towel, then heard hushed yelling through the air vents. I couldn’t hear complete words, but it was pretty clear it was Mom and Dad.

They were fighting. I didn’t’ know what to feel at the time—to be happy or sad—I didn’t know. Never once when I was growing up had they fought, at least not in front of me or my sisters. I tried to listen, get a better hook on the words they were throwing at each other, but it was futile.  I gave up, dried myself more and thought that maybe this was the perfect time to talk with them—while they were off guard and mad at each other. So I grabbed my phone, stuffed them in my pants and pulled my jacket off the chair. I entered the hallway to meet them both in the doorway of their room.

“Uh, hey.” I began.

Mom glared at me. “So, talk.” _Ugh. I’m making the first move and she doesn’t even fucking consider my feelings._

“You know what, if that’s how you’re going to act the entire time, we have nothing to talk about,” I snapped.

“I _made_ time for your ‘talk!’” she reasoned. “You’re like a different person, Sean!”

“You’re supposed to make time! You’re my mother!” I blurted out. “And after you made time you just fucking say, ‘so, talk.’ You think that as an adult, I'm gonna talk to you after hearing you say that? That's next-level entitlement, right fucking there.”

“Sean!” Dad hushed.

Mom quickly regained her position. "Of course I'm entitled to that. I'm your mother, for God's sake!"

“I have lost the ability to even comprehend you. I'm out of here.” I grumbled, turning around. I quickly put on my jacket and went to the front door, got outside and slammed the door behind me. I felt my knees give and I slide down, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. _How did it get so toxic?_ I thought.

I cleared my throat and rubbed my eyes dry. I ran to my car and went in. _I could use a drink. I could meet up with Axl and get a drink with him or something._ So I pulled my phone out and texted him.

> **S:** a yyyyyy how goes the Axe™ man?
> 
> **A:** just got home actually
> 
> **A:** lolwut Axe haha
> 
> **S:** ax* fking autocorrect
> 
> **A:** you gonna watch flatlands w us tomorrow or?
> 
> **S:** yea actually

Silence ensued, and I thought of ways I could ask him out without sounding like asking him out.

> **S:** o hey you wanna get a drink w me right no w?
> 
> **S:** can’t stand the negative vibes here
> 
> **A:** i would but you might tell people im crying again haha
> 
> **S:** that was like four months ago or smth
> 
> **A:** chill
> 
> **A:** lets meet up at my place ill drive
> 
> **S:** okey-dokes
> 
> **S:** be there in a min

I started up the car and drove an admittedly five minute walk. When I arrived at his place I saw him on the porch seats, hands stuffed in jacket pockets. I pulled up and got out of the car and ran up to him.

“Wow, look at you. You got taller,” he chuckled, making ‘the face.’ You know when people describe a really cute face as ‘the face?’ It’s the same thing, except…I tried not to internally scream.

“Yeah, three years, man!”

He patted me on the back, practically pushing me to his car. “Let’s get that drink, then! Bros for life!” He threw his arm in the air.

I followed suit, yelling after him, “For life!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I tried to keep the 'Sean is the one telling the story' thing, especially at the first part of the story. Again, criticism is always welcomed.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!


	3. The Day After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nine hours of sleep and it's a new day.

The night came and went, ending with me drunk as hell. I couldn’t remember post blacking out due to drinking more than three bottles of beer. I woke up the next morning with little to no hangover but an exceptionally dry throat, in a place I’ve familiarised myself many times in the entirety of my life.

I was in Axl’s room, specifically on his bed. I sat up and kicked myself towards the headboard, accidentally throwing my head against the wood. I fished around for my phone, found it on the bedside drawer and checked the time: _11:47_ am.

I closed my eyes and slinked back onto the bed, rolling over to get comfortable. I felt myself get a bit more sleep under my eyes and I woke up slipping over the edge of the bed when I felt cold— _very cold_ —liquid splash my arm and back as I got forcefully pulled up. “Shit, shit, shit!”

“Jesus,” a voice cried and I turned to see Axl holding a glass of iced tea, fanning the hem of his dampened shirt. I jumped off the bed and took the glass, set it next to another glass on the nearby desk. “Hot damn.”

“Shit, sorry, ‘bout that,” I mumbled.

He chortled, taking a towel out of one of the drawers, dried his hand and tossed the towel over to me. I pulled up my sleeve and dried the wetness on my arm. He gave a look and smiled, “Christ, are you still drunk?”

“As much as I’d like to be, I just want to sleep the day off,” I grumbled, dropping back onto the bed. He reached over to the desk and gave me one of the iced teas, then walked to his closet.

As he browsed through the lines of clothing he said, “Yeah, well, we still have a movie to get to.” He pulled a shirt from the closet and kept browsing.

“What time is it?” I asked.

“About half past twelve.” _Jesus_. He turned to me, closing the closet behind him and said, “Yeah, no, I don’t have a shirt your size.”

“It’s alright; we can swing by my place.” I finished my glass and stood, taking my jacket off the desk chair and threw it on.

He pulled his damp shirt over his head and threw it on the bed, “Okay, just give me a second to change.” He put the newer shirt on and grabbed his iced tea to finish. I gave him a pat on the back and exited the room, made my way to the front door. On the way I saw Brick hunched over a book on the couch while Ms. Heck was watching TV lounging right beside him. I was about to open the front door when Ms. Heck called for me.

“Oh, right, Sean!” she called, “I called your mom and told her you stayed the night.”

“Thanks, ma’am, but you didn’t have to do that,” I answered. _You really didn’t. I doubt she gives the smallest fuck about where I am._

“It’s alright,” she said, “Are you going to the movies with us later?”

“Uh, yes, definitely.”

Axl gave me a pat on the back, running right for the front door. “Let’s go. See you guys at the theatre.” He grabbed his coat and pulled the door open, motioned for me to come over.

“Thanks for having me, Ms. Heck,” I said, running after Axl. I closed the door behind me and caught up behind him.

We started to walk to my place, but when we got there, I just couldn’t go in. If either Mom or Dad was in the house it would be so awkward. I didn’t realize I took more than enough minutes doing this until Axl snapped me from my thoughts, asking, “Dude, something wrong?”

I answered, “N-no. Just looking if anyone’s inside.”

He pressed, “Why? Had a falling out with your mom again?”

“Kinda, yeah, last night.” I replied, biting my lip.

“Tell you what: I can sneak in and check if anyone’s there. I can slide inside a window easy,” Axl suggested, making me look over to him.

“You’re alright with that?” I asked, concerned and incredulous.

“Hell yeah; I’ve done this lots of times before,” he replied, quickly adding after, “Not breaking into your house—that would be pretty weird. When I used to sneak out I just pulled up the window to either my or Sue’s room and got in from there. Not to mention: anything for my bro.” He gave me _that_ kind of affectionate pat on the back, the one that leaves you confused and wondering if they like you _that_ way.

I shook my head off the obstreperous thoughts. “Okay, then.”

Like a knee-jerk response he bolted to the side of the house my room was on and peered inside. He pushed the window up with ease and tried to slide inside— _wow, he actually did_.—and threw himself out the window. It’s almost miraculous no one but me saw this. _Then again, it’s like noon, no one’s out of their houses right now_.

He ran up to me panting, “No one’s home. We can get in if you have your keys; otherwise I’m going to let yourself in from inside.”

I pulled my keys from my pocket and dangled it in front of him, chuckling. “We can get in using the front door, relax.” I walked to the front door and let him follow.

“Since when did you hate fun?”

“Since I became vegan and I got shit on for pretty much living life without meat.” I joked. In the back of my mind I was shouting, _animal meat, that is_. _Still pretty gay_.

I unlocked the door and pushed it open. I let Axl in and locked it again. We made our way to my room. I looked through my bags for shirts, pulled one long-sleeve out and my jacket off. I pulled my shirt overhead and suddenly felt exposed, changing in front of him. Never the less I folded the shirt and stuffed it inside one of the bags.

“You’re like a bear, hot damn,” Axl remarked.

I chuckled, “Oh yeah?” I observed the growing hair on my torso, then added, “I just manscaped like a week ago and it already looks like I hadn’t.”

He snickered, “At least you get to manscape. I barely have any chest hair.”

I pulled the fresh shirt on and looked at him, “Can you, uh, help me load these back onto my car?”

“Uh, sure.” I gave him the lighter one of the duffels and strapped on the other, looping the backpack I had on the same shoulder. We exited the room and walked out of the house, then locked it. We were about a third from my house when he asked, “So..what’s the deal with your mom?”

“It’s nothing, really. I cussed in front of her, ‘cause she just had to be that way especially when I was making the first move to explain my actions, amongst other things…” I said, trailing off. _And coming out._

“You cussed in front of your mom?” he asked incredulously. “I did _not_ think you had the balls to do that.”

“Neither did I.”

“So…”

I looked at him, “So…?”

“So what did you want to tell them? Like aside from not wanting to be a doctor anymore, or wanting to be a vegan now?” he asked, chuckling.

“It’s kinda personal, I don’t want to talk about it now,” I answered. _Or to you, I mean...we might not even get to be friends anymore. Or maybe you’re fine with it—I mean you got to know Brad, right—Jesus, Sean, can you shut the fuck up?_

“Come on, you weren’t like this last night,” he whined.

“Uh, come again?”

“Well, you had a lot to drink and to say, actually,” he replied.

I laughed, “Like what?”

“Like the fact you hooked up with someone right before the semester ended?”

Time felt like stopping. I nearly fucking tripped when he said that.

He started sniggering, “Wait, you’re serious? I was joking.”

_Idiot, cover it up now, or else he’ll have the wrong idea. He probably already has._ I stammered, “Uh, no! Not ever, nope. Never hooked up with anyone. Just studied.”

“Uh-huh.”

I looked at him hotly, “I swear I didn’t!”

He raised his hands as if to surrender the jokes, “Alright, alright.” I sighed in relief, or halfway at least, when he said, “Then did you even party at all at college?”

“Barely. I went to one end-of-semester party. Some guy,” I paused, thinking _No, he wasn’t just some guy; he’s the guy I lost my virginity to._ I quickly repaired my statement, “invited me, so I went.”

“Yeah, well, ‘barely’ going to any parties is probably the reason you got intensely drunk at, like, three or so beers.”

“Shut up,” I chuckled. “So where are we off to after this?”

“I don’t know, maybe we can just chill at my place or something. Or drive around town,” he replied.

_Or make out in my car._ “Wanna go get something to eat?” I suggested.

“Hungry as fuck. Let's go!”

Arriving at his house I immediately unlocked the trunk of my car and stuffed the bags inside. I went around and got in the driver’s seat, waited for him to get in, and drove.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think this came as natural as I wanted to--I've rewritten this three times already. (I'm also writing the sourest lemons I could ever write at the moment.)


	4. The Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revelations come.

I am forever glad Sue Saved us those seats, even if they were like…only two or three seats away from Mom.

I sat next to Axl when we arrived. I saw Mom and Dad and the Norwoods behind Axl’s family and Sue, who sat on the other side of Axl passed me a potato—in a box, which still is a pretty weird thing to say, admittedly.

“Thanks,” I said. “There’s no meat on this, right?”

Sue nodded and out of the corner of my eye I saw Mom telling Ms. Heck something. It was pretty audible; she said, “It’s just a phase.” _Jesus, does she fully believe in that?_

Axl piped up, “Uh, where are the forks?”

Sue held up a popcorn box filled with straws. “I forgot them and they didn’t have any at the concessions stand, so I just took these.” She dropped her voice to a whisper, “Hold them down low—I didn’t buy anything when I took them so they’re essentially stolen.”

“You can take straws; they figured that in,” I heard Mr. Heck say.

“In what?”

“In their thing.”

“What thing?”

I chortled and Axl retorted, “I can _not_ eat a potato with a straw.”

“It’s got a tiny spoon at the end of it.” Sue paused to take a _very_ small scoop from the baked potato, carried it to her mouth. “It’s a spoon straw—it’s a spraw!”

Just then a loud sucking noise came from the far right and we all turned to look at Brick, who stabbed the straw into the potato and noisily sucked on it. I wanted to laugh— _nothing in this family is ever bland_ —and gave a sort-of stifled chuckle. I let my eyes wander over to Axl grinning wide.

He launched into his usual whine, “Why can’t this family just buy something from the concessions stand?”

I instinctively replied, looking nostalgic towards the corner of the room. “It’s all good, man; we’re all just trying our best to make through this life.” It earned me a snigger from him, and a hiss from my Mom.

“Nobody wants to hear your liberal jibber jabber!”

I kept my cool and turned my head away. When the previews were coming on Ms. Heck asked Sue to get more butter and after a little whining Sue stood to leave. After a few more previews Brick got a bit excitable when they featured the trailer for a Planet Nowhere movie.

Anyways the movie finally started. I tried to keep my eyes on the screen but I was looking into the direction of Axl’s face. Once or twice I swear he nearly caught me.

About fifteen minutes into the movie, I noticed a kid do a classic kiss prompt where he puts his arm and goes in for a kiss. I mentioned it to Axl, out of desperation for _any_ interaction with him.

“Check it out,” I whispered, pointing towards the kid. “That kid’s going in for a kiss.”

Axl looked and whistled softly, “Gutsy move, and right at the beginning of the movie.” He added, “If she turns him down, it’s going to be a long movie.”

“Yeah, but if she doesn’t, that’s two hours of kissing.”

“High risk, high reward,” he mused, then looked again. “He scores!”

 _If I tried that right now, would_ I _score?_ I shook my head and murmured, “Yeah!” _Okay, Sean: if you want to drag this out you have to say something like how you remember your first kiss._ So I did, “Man, I remember my first kiss.”

“Oh, yeah, totally memorable,” he agreed. “I mean, all my kisses are memorable, for the girl. But the first one—Suzie Baker’s basement.” _Wait, he had her, too?_

“Me, too,” I said, in a somewhat enthused voice.

“It helped that it was super dark,” he continued, “Wouldn’t have had the nerve otherwise.”

“Yeah, I did it in that closet. Y’know, right behind Suzie’s furnace,” I replied. “Super dark.”

“Me, too!” We went and fist-bumped.

“And, so..we kissed for a few seconds until her dad came out yelling ‘Everybody out! I want to watch Deal or No Deal!’”

“Yes!” _Wait…_

This is the very cliché part where we talk at the same time and some huge reveal comes after. He mentioned he hit his head and I quickly followed after him, “So we ran like crazy and she hit her—“

It went quiet after that. _Huh. So…Axl is my first kiss_. Right until this moment I ran that thought a hundred times, especially when I fantasized about him. Now that it’s out, it’s like it got some runner’s high and sped up. I wanted to smile. I so so _so so **so**_ wanted to smile. But not right now.

I let the next half-hour pass, not saying anything. I kept looking at him—I wanted _him_ to say something.

He gulped and my heart started racing. “I’ve…gotten better at it.”

“W..what?”

He cleared his throat, “…the kissing?” _Yeah, it would help me understand if you pulled on my lips with yours._

I tried to play it off, replied, “Me too—way better.”

“Just so you know, I’ve kissed thirty-eight women.” _Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch_. “And I haven’t gotten any complaints.”

I felt my voice shake and steadied myself before talking back. “Me…me neither. No complaints—“ _About learning that I was the first who had your lips in a knot_. “—of course, I’m still in single digits, but my grades are better.” _Idiot, idiot, idiot!_

I saw him look up and make a sly grin.

* * *

 

When the movie ended, Axl and I were the first one out and in an attempt to placate the situation between us, I said, “So, uh..about that thing we were talking about?”

He shrugged, “What thing? The only thing I did was watch a movie about tainted drinking water. Don’t I remember myself saying, ‘Isn’t this a delightful movie about tainted drinking water?’”

My voice started shaking again, so I calmed myself down. “Yeah, me..me too.”

He raised his hand and I responded, to which our high-five evolved into pretty much holding each other’s hands. Even if I wanted this to linger I had to break it off. He gave me a look and we tore our hands off each other, went separate directions.

I ran off to my car, pulled out my keys and slid into the driver’s seat. Pulling the door closed I rested my head on the wheel. _What the fucking hell did just happen inside that theatre?_ I was about to start the car when my phone started vibrating. I pulled it out of my pants and looked at the most recent message. It was from Mom.

She said she’ll listen.

 


	5. Shitstorm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shitstorm of emotions overcome Sean and regret is one of them.

So, I just came out, but that is pretty much all I did. I kind of drew a blank when mom asked about my being the way I am; I just told her I didn’t want to be a doctor anymore, that I wanted to find something else I’m passionate about.

“I’ll give you the month,” she said. “Please, think about it. I’ll try not to hound you about it, but please.”

I nodded, mouthing the word “okay” in the most genuine way possible. The day after, and the week that followed, it was basically like nothing ever happened between my mom and I. When we had dinner she literally prepared _just_ vegetables for me. We interacted like we used to. It was one of the best weeks I had back here in Orson since I went to Notre Dame.

I still haven’t told her about Axl and I. Although I wouldn’t admit it out loud, I was still pretty hung up on being each other’s first kisses. I hated myself for it, for not having the courage to even ask him to talk about it. We hung out normally, pretending like nothing happened in during that movie. He told me that he’s actually moved back in with his parents, out of a lack of a place to stay in, and he’s looking up some places with his on-campus best friend. Whenever we get to the topic of first kisses he brushes it aside _very_ quickly. I hate it.

Having about one more week of spring break left, I was hoping I could just pull him aside during this particular vacation to Kentucky. He’s begun his spring break, I’m about to end mine.

* * *

 

The first thing we did after putting our bags down in our rooms was get lunch. At our side of the table, Axl started talking.

“So,” he began, “I did a lap around the property, scoped out the talent; good news: not a total wasteland. There’s at least two total hotties who also seem to be stuck here with their families. So…what do you say? Dust off a little ‘jerk, not a jerk?’”

I replied, “I don’t know, man.” _Honestly, though, I’m not sure if I can survive even a minute of helping him hook up when I’m still hung up_.

“Oh, c’mon, it’ll be like the old days.” he whined, “We’re in Kentucky—we’ve never tried it on foreign soil.”

Brick piped in. “What is ‘jerk, not a jerk?’”

Axl proceeds to explain away his tactic for getting women’s phone numbers. “Uh, it’s basically ‘good cop, bad cop” but for meeting women.” He wagged his fork at me, “See, Sean goes up to a lady, acts like a jerk, and then I swoop in and tell him to leave her alone. He leaves, the girl is grateful—I look like a hero and boom: ice broken.”

“Sorry, Axl, I’m just not into the whole deception thing.” _Not when I’m not ready to face my feelings._ “I’m gonna do some hot yoga and meditate; they say when you sweat, a lot of real truths come out.” _I wasn’t even aiming for that to sound as passive-aggressive as it did, Jesus._

Axl sniggered, “Wow, I just wanna…punch you so bad.” Brick nodded after him.

“I understand, man.”

The conversation continued, as always—he took the lead and I replied with the best I can, tried not to sound passive-aggressive. I’m pretty sure I still did. I wasted the day relaxing outside the inn, slightly regretting declining spending time with Axl. He took Brick to play a jerk for him, which is weird lest like a douche.

The next day I skipped breakfast and went outside and at about 10am Ms. Heck walked out and sat next to me. She started making conversation with me—which was pretty fine. She was pretty chill about anything and everything. She told me that my mom’s been pretty worried about my future, about my life choices. I replied hinting that my mom suffocates me a bit too much and I suddenly stopped myself when I realized I said that.

“What’s wrong?” Ms. Heck asked.

It took me a few seconds before I replied. “It-it’s nothing. It’s just now I realized that that’s how I felt about it. That my mom suffocates me.”

She gave me an understanding look and nodded. “Well, parenting’s hard. Just because someone else has it down better than others, don’t judge. But your mom loves you _very_ much and she knows how much you wanted to be a doctor once. So, y’know? Why close the door on that? Maybe you’ll find yourself wanting to be a doctor again and you’ll regret not taking the MCAT up.”

For some reason I felt like even more puzzle pieces came to place. I actually hadn’t thought of that. I genuinely hadn’t. “That actually makes a lot of sense, Ms. Heck! This—this has been a great talk!”

At lunch I pulled my mom aside, told her I would take the MCAT. She hugged me tightly, keyword suffocates: now both figuratively and literally. While I stuffed myself with vegetables and meat substitutes I felt high. Like I could do anything, maybe even tell Axl about how I feel—maybe get some form of closure on my feelings.

But I couldn’t get any chance. He’d be at the bar getting more numbers and I’d just feel threatened for no reason. Tonight was pretty much my last chance since tomorrow I’ll be driving back to catch up on stuff.

* * *

 

I was dancing with Mom when Ms. Heck cut in to dance with her and I saw this chance to finally go talk with Axl. I’d assumed that he’d be at least near the dance floor—I was right. Brick was right next to him and from the looks of it had played a jerk, let his brother talk to the waitress serving them. I waited until the waitress left and then approached his table.

“Hey, dude, uh…” I mumbled, “Can we talk?”

He chuckled, “About what?”

“Somewhat personal,” I said, motioning for him to follow me. “C’mon.” I led him to my room, let him go in first. I closed the door behind me and took a heavy breath.

“So…”

There really was no perfect way to say it. I just blurted out, “I’m gay.”

He squinted at me and clicked his tongue. “Uh, I really…don’t give a fuck? Fact of the matter is that—“

“And I want to talk about our kiss.”

Groaning, he hung his head back. “Can we not?”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s weird!” he retorted, “It’s weird thinking my longest best friend was my first kiss! Why _do_ you want to talk about it?”

I hesitated. I felt the half-minute pass by like forever, being unable to process an answer. I stammered, stuttered—everything, I couldn’t say it. I felt overcome with emotions: grief, anger, pity, fear, anxiety.

“Why can’t you answer?” he asked, “I thought you wanted to talk about the kiss.”

I looked directly at him. “You really don’t get what this means to me, do you?”

“No, I don’t!” he screamed at me. “What’s there to talk about? It’s a thing of the past!”

“That’s all it is to you?” I went closer to him and saw him nod slightly. I pulled him by the collar and slammed my lips into his. I felt him respond, but I didn’t think much of it. I pulled away and saw him look confused. When I realized what I did I stormed off and made my way to the restrooms. I slammed my head into one of the stalls’ doors.


	6. The Drive-Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Filler chapter!

The drive back up to Notre Dame wasn’t all bitter. When night fell quickly I drove to a motel I in the distance, checked in. The room was fine, spacey with an adequate amount of furniture. If it was an apartment I would stay here.

I dropped my bags on the doorstep and tore off my shirt, slid off my jeans. I jumped on the bed, face first. Last night still remained on my thoughts and I beat myself up thinking about how I totalled my relationship with Axl.

After drowning in my mistakes I pushed myself up and sat against the headboard. I pulled the remote for the central TV, pushed the power button and the device flashed to life. The circular fan on the ceiling whirred and the cool air brushed against my hairy thighs. _Tickles._ It felt nice. My eyelids became heavy after a while of switching TV channels and I turned the TV off and slept.

When I woke up I dragged my ass to the bathroom, pulled on the shower knob. Warm water exploded from the shower head. I pushed on it until no more water came from the head and slipped off my boxers, stepped into the cubicle. I pulled on the knob.

* * *

 

I stepped out of the shower refreshed and pulled a towel out of one of the cabinets, dried myself down. I wrapped my lower half in the towel and settled in front of a mirror. I pulled on my beard and laughed, exited the bathroom.

 _Mom doesn’t know I noticed her put the electric razor in my backpack._ I picked the bag up and shuffled inside it, produced an electric razor from it. I checked if it had batteries— _she really wants me to shave this off._

I travelled back to the mirrors and tossed the razor up and down onto my hand. A short layer would do. I flipped the switch on and hair went falling at the touch of the razor.

When I finished, my hair filled a quarter of the sink. I pulled my boxers off the floor and left the bathroom. I tossed the razor and the boxers altogether onto the bed, removed the towel around my waist. I didn’t think I would still be sensitive after a shower.

A complete exposure to wind left my cock to engorge rather than shrink and I didn’t think much of it until it wouldn’t settle down. Halfway through a new pair of boxers I gave up and decided it wouldn’t hurt to give it what it wants.

* * *

 

Half an hour later I showered again. I put some clothes on, picked my bags up and left to check out. I swear, people were side-eyeing me. After checking out I rushed to my car thoroughly embarrassed that I kept roaring.

I arrived at the dorm and shuffled up the stairs to my room. I dropped my bags, unlocked the door and pushed it open, lifted my bags inside. After settling in the room, I slumped on the bed. I sat up and went to get lunch. With a foot out the door I noticed a piece of paper on the floor. I picked it up and stuffed it in my pocket. I’ll read it later—hangry.

* * *

 

Walker wants to meet up.

When I got something to eat and sat, I produced the note. It had a number and the words, “Would’ve called, but I didn’t know your number. Call me. –Walker.”

So I did call him—after I ate, of course. He answered, “Hello?” Still the monotone voice I remember.

“It’s Sean.”

In an enthused voice he replied, “Jesus, you got the note? I didn’t think campus maintenance would allow it.”

“You could’ve used better words in your note. I thought I failed as a tutor in Subversive Literature,” I joked. “So what did you want to talk about?”

“Mind if we meet up?”

“Right now?”

He chuckled. “No, I’m thinking maybe tomorrow? I’m driving up later.”

I don’t know why I said what I said.

“It’s a date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of writer's block, but I feel like I got my groove back. I'm already three-fourths, maybe seven-eighths, into the next chapter.


	7. Fast-Forward

I began the new semester with a boyfriend.

When I met up with Walker, I noticed a drastic, or at least it felt like it was, change in him. I’m sure he’s noticed a shred of a difference in me since we’d slept together, but we shared a laugh over it. We walked around town and talked about stuff. Stuff like he’s questioning. He’s shared that he has at least an attraction to men—to me. On one hand, I was still iffy about him and the whole thing considering what was, or had been, between us; on the other, the prospect of dating him seemed appealing honestly.

The next few days we hung out. I wouldn’t call them dates, per se, but when we split it felt like it. It was the week later when I’d give in and let him kiss me.

I had a boyfriend. It sounds so surreal.

* * *

 

The months that followed were amazing. Instead of being just cooped up in my room studying I got to know Walker better. He’s majoring in Architecture—unbelievable, I know, but it was real, and he earned good grades. He lives with a couple of his friends whom I’ve gotten to know along the way.

I changed again. I’ve become less vegan, in more ways than one.

Walker and I were entangled on my bed, cuddling after a serious fuck. I had grabbed my laptop from my desk and started to work on some assignments while he clung to me, his legs wrapped around my waist from behind and arms enclosed onto my neck.

He groaned lazily. “Hey, you never told me how you knew you were gay.”

“I hadn’t told you? I thought I did.” _Wow_. _We are months into this relationship and I hadn’t told him that yet._ I laughed. “Wow, that’s kind of unimpressing of me. I really hadn’t?” He nodded. “Oooooookay. Where do you want me to start?”

“I don’t know, how about the beginning?” He licked my cheek beard. I jerked my head a little at the sensation and he chuckled.

“Let’s see. When I was a kid it was basically some confusion. I didn’t think about it that much,” I said. “When I hit puberty, my hormones became more prevalent. Even more so by my junior-senior years of high school. Since I played football, I was in a sweaty meatlocker, basically.”

We shared a laugh. When he realized I stopped he looked at me and smirked. “That’s it?” I nodded and he continued. “I thought there would be more to it. There wasn’t anyone who had your engine running?”

“That’s the worst analogy ever, and if I did say yes, would you be mad?”

He ran his fingers through my hair and shook my head playfully. “Of course not, you idiot. And I thought you were the smart one.”

“Alright, then.” I cleared my throat. “You could say I, uh…fell for my best friend.”

He tightened his enclosure on my waist. “Ouch. Was he straight?”

I put a hand on the arm around my neck. “Yeah. That’s not even the best part.” I gulped. “He was my first kiss. We didn’t find out until the spring break.”

“How’d he react?”

I shrugged. “I wouldn’t say negatively, but he really didn’t want to talk about it. I probably ruined our friendship pressing him about it.”

Walker sniffed behind my ears. _That tickles. Fuck, stop, I’m going to drop the laptop!_ Walker chuckled and I laughed along. He nipped on my ear. “Does he know you like dick?”

“Yeah, I came out the night before I drove off.”

“So you essentially dropped a bomb on him?” We laughed again. We talked more about Axl and I showed him a photo he and I had three years ago. Graduation. “He’s cute.”

I looked at him.

He pecked my cheek. “You’re cuter, idiot.” He pointed to my face in the photo. “You’re so cute without the beard.”

“I thought you liked my beard?” I whined.

“I do,” he mumbled, pulling my face and kissing me. “You’re like Chris Evans. You could do well with or without a beard.” He unwound his legs and hopped off the bed, slid on his boxers. “I’m gonna get something to eat. Y’want anything?”

“I’ll have what you’re having.”

He jumped into his jeans and thrust socked feet into shoes. He gave a kiss before sauntering to the door. “See you.”

I sniggered. “You forgot a shirt.” I pulled a spare shirt from under the covers and threw it at him. He caught it and brought it to his nose.

“I don’t want a sex’d up shirt, it’s all sweaty.” He opened my closet and took a shirt clearly two sizes larger than him. “I’ll take this.” Before heading out he tossed me a look and puckered his lips.

I did the same and let him leave, heard the door shut and went back to my homework. Not a minute later I heard a knock on the door. I laughed and loudly said, “Back already? What did you forget?” I removed the laptop from my…lap and stood, put on my boxers and walked over to the door. I opened it and to my surprise, like _HOLY FUCKING HELL_ surprised, Axl was on the opposite side.

“Hi.”

 

 


	8. 'Talking'

Thank God I picked my boxers up. Wouldn’t have wanted him—anyone, really—to see my dick hanging out like it was nothing.

“Hi,” he greeted.

I didn’t want to get dragged back into this. I could feel my face get hot—I don’t know if it was the embarrassment from our last conversation, or the dread of facing him again. Either way, he needs to get in, or else I’m susceptible to being seen in dirty sex’d up boxers by passers-by. “Get in.”

He strutted in and took the desk seat. I closed the door and locked it. “What are you doing here?”

“To talk,” he answered matter-of-factly. I could’ve sword he muttered something inaudible.

I pulled on a shirt from the open closet and hopped onto my bed. “Wow. What changed your mind? Scratch that, answer this first: how the fuck did you know this was my room?”

He laughed. “I asked your mom.” He relaxed onto the seat and said, “I mean, considering you kissed me the night before we even got home from the trip…”

My face went red—I just know. “Look, I’m sorry—“

“I’ve been thinking.” The sheer definition of his voice cut me off, just like that. He looked up to the ceiling, laughed and then dropped his face, his eyes falling in line with mine. It bugged the hell out of me. I felt anxiety fill my persona and shivers shoot up my spine.

I prompted him. “Thinking..? About what?”

“Returning the favour.”

I sat confused with no time to think as Axl bolted from the chair and pounced on me, just like that. Like an idiot I started stammering, “Dude, what the fuck?”

He frowned. “I thought you wanted this.”

“And I thought you were straight!” I cried back at him. “Jesus Christ!”

He lowered his head. “So do you want this or not?”

“Jesus, no! I have a boyfriend!”

A mixture of white and red painted his head. I could hear him mumble to himself. “Fuck.” He retreated, pulling back a little. He was basically straddling my calves. It took about five minutes before I decided to speak up.

“So…you’re not straight then?”

“No—I don’t know at all!” He jumped off me and paced around the room. “When you kissed me at the inn I felt warm and fuzzy and shit and when I think about it more I feel kind of happy knowing you were my first kiss!”

_Is..is he serious?_ “I appreciate that you’ve come to tell me this, that you’re feeling something since we last talked,” I said. “But…I’m sorry, I don’t know if I’m able to reciprocate your feelings.” I stood and walked to the door. “My, uh, boyfriend’s going to show up any time soon.”

“Yeah, I should go.” He combed his hair back with his hands—he’s evidently nerve-wracked. “Uh, thanks for talking me through this.”

“It’s no problem.” _Why don’t you catch a movie together? Get the platonic ball rolling._ Before he sets a foot out I hold him by the shoulder. “So, uh…want to go catch a movie or something? I’m driving home this weekend to pick something up.”

He snickered and replied. “Uh, sure.”

We exchanged good-byes. I slammed the door shut and threw myself against the bed. Walker came back maybe fifteen minutes later so I told him part of what happened—that Axl visited and wanted to talk things out. That’s somewhat the truth, at least, right?

* * *

 

I drove with Walker down to Orson and introduced him to Mom and Dad. They were more or less enthusiastic with meeting the guy I’m seeing, but when I tried to crack the vegan joke I made I earned a shove from Walker and Mom and Dad yelled for Shelly and Dottie to get to their rooms.

The whole day I spent with Walker and we drove around Orson—showed him the places I used to hang out at. As much as I would have wanted him to meet Axl in person, I had to drive him back up to Notre Dame since he has to work on a lot more projects. _No use trying to avoid being alone with Axl._

And I don’t know what I should’ve done. Convince Walker to stay or let shit happen. The next day Axl and I drove to the movies and for the record, I let loose.


End file.
